FURY

cédric 

fuck it

once you asked me to move 

yeah

i Googled you and 

FUCK YOU

i don't know if i'd get used to your face enough

so STOP YOUR FUCKING LIES

to yourself

and the reason i said "i'm so very sorry" those two times

FUCK YOU

were not about pretending to be so caring i could destroy you later

it was that i'm in love with someone

--you said you didn't quite understand "besotted" and needed me to explain--

--and the way i looked at you, yes

it reminds me of the way i looked at him--

but, cédric

i was scared that if you misunderstood 

you'd start threatening and switching things around on me

like 

chris

i was so happy you were halfway around the world

but then i was so happy you asked me to be a poet in real life again

i didn't mind meeting 

--and then you asked why i'd commit hara kiri, and i got scared again--

--thinking you wouldn't understand "oh, it's just a way of expressing embarrassment at having to explain what besotted means"--

so i said "i'm so very sorry"

again....

chris thought i was being mean when i asked, "what's your venmo? i'll pay for your beard's funeral," and

we ended that night 

and i accidentally hurt him too

i was blinded by tears and switching between him and my friend dan

screaming about how his cock looks just like my serial abuser's--who raped and abused me, and beat me, and even almost killed me just because he wanted to run up the hill to the football field with me over his shoulder one night--

almost snapped my neck--

only the colors are different--

and was texting him instead of dan just being heartbroken 

and said something i shouldn't have

i'll never forget hurting him

and, cédric 

when i asked him to shave his beard

you know it was that i was scared that i'd see my dad with him on top of me

but he didn't know, of course

so, fuck, cédrìc

i was HAPPY that you wouldn't find out

that i can't let another man touch me--

--and when you helped me accept that dee had coerced me into the blowjobs

there's something you'll never know

--something--

about chris

and my mouth

i loved you so much until you decided

i loved you

like

that

I AM ME

I CHOOSE

I CHOSE TWO YEARS AGO

and you...i would have tried, if you had wanted me to

but...MY CHOICE IS CELIBACY

the reason i didn't want to give head to dee so immediately, maybe never 

is

I CHOSE TWO YEARS AGO

nobody was supposed to hurt my body 

and take chris away from me

i was so, so, so good...

...i didn't write this as a scathing essay and post it to your fucking boss's site

and all your YouTube poems

oh, the FURY

i had to bite it back

(thank chris for that. he's the No Revenge OG

and i am a mere guru)