names

cédrìc

i said your name a lot

because

i said chris' a lot

because

i said jeff's a lot

because

i read years ago that when you say someone's name it makes them feel valuable to you 

so, like, this was a relationship thing...

...and i realized

t felt so nice saying the name of someone i trusted

mind you, jeff was supposed to just be a best friend

but anyway

i don't know how to erase one name

jeff? feh 

you?

fuck outta here

i'm scared, cédrìc

you were gonna help me and the kids live free and happy

i don't miss YOU 

you lost every right to anything positive from me when you decided i was trying to control you from america in a romantic manner 

i hate you for that

my heart goes where it goes and it stays right where it roots if it feels enriched 

you were in my heart

but

not

like

that

but oh am i terrified right now

I CANNOT STAY IN THIS WORLD 

my heart screams...

...what ugliness it has wrought and always

and forever (i mean in the way it makes narcissists 

where do i plug up the hole i need to somehow fill

how do we live whole knowing what we love was crushed

so young it doesn't fly quite right)