control

 oh, cédric 

i don't know what this feeling is

maybe it's a sense of control

i told his brothers 

that i want them to help me 

help him

and it feels good to say

i need to work this out with love

i wouldn't want

to ask his ex-wife

if she's been abused because--just

if she hasn't she wouldn't believe me

and if she has

it just isn't necessarily something she could handle coming from me

you know?...

and i feel 

so

peaceful somewhere inside

between my heart and my stomach

but, oh, i want to run headfirst into a wall of nails

how do i ever get my love back

but

i started this long ago so he would never let me back

oh, why, why

i don't care if i'm not safe there

all i want is the sun 

eden

oh, cédric

you know...

...i never told you, did i 

...did i?--

--oh, i 

oh, but anyway

you didn't know...i wanted to be celibate

and that was what hurt me so much about dee

i wanted to find out, but i wanted to abstain wholly unless i could trust him with my heart, head, and body 

because

i cannot be with someone 

unless somehow i can live inside myself

with 

did i say his name is chris

because, oh, my panic

oh

i'm scared 

oh

oh, cédric

what do i do

if they won't help

he's an addict and i think

he's looking for a rush

i have lots of evidence that points to that but

cédric 

he chose from Feast of Love how to 

no, no

i can't 

oh

he chose

me

not because i was cool and artistic 

that was what distracted him

that was what surprised him

that was what made him start to fall for me

i'll never forget that day

but

he snapped back and went right into total sex domination mode

and i have never 

felt

like i can be with another man--it's just

i thought that loving him meant finding someone to pretend i loved

and dee, i mean

he was impressed with my art

but, oh, tenderly helping me clean up the vomit after he forced himself too deep into my throat when i was too closed off 

like, i learned in NYC

to love giving head instead of the look of shock

when i BIT

and if i get into someone i give head so wholly into it

that i

cum doing it

but my kids' dad never

oh, you know

when i told him i don't do white guys (that is what i think i must never have told you)

oh

seven years of danger

but

oh...cédric 

the towel was lime 

the vomit stained it and dee was so happy

he is a BOY

no 28yo man really believes making a woman vomit during head

is the desired outcome--

--and dee has been accused of sexual assault before

or, i suspect

as he is so afraid of social media and of women lying 

and sharing his name 

convicted

cédric 

thank you

but oh

i went right to chris, i was so horrified you thought

i

wanted

you

i loved, loved, loved you

i loved showing you me

i loved that you were able to admit you didn't know much about sex

that you asked about things that seemed dark to you

but, cédric 

only chris, i think, could have understood

i kinda do sex therapy for free

in whatever form a man needs that i agree to accommodate

i thought chris would understand me