gaslit

i'm sagging. my whole future is collapsing. all this camaraderie, all this developing friendship--

--my therapist reminded me: all my gaslighters did this. all of them. they gain their victims' confidence, they gather information, they are also looking for what they believe is love.

no one is exactly the same, right, cédric?

but i feel so devastated. i can't become a psychiatrist now. not if i'm so dedicated to the image of you i've had.

i got a personal protection order against joe. he's in prison for slitting someone's throat. the same man who helped me get the PPO against joe was so thrilled he raped me that same week because, as he said, "i have to jumpstart our sexual relationship. i've been waiting long enough." he's the father of my children.

jeff's florida mugshot and two of dee's hinge profile pictures--i didn't see the resemblance until i was sitting on the floor looking up at him after the second blowjob. 

so i left jeff as many times as it took. yes, i worked harder at it once i realized he was racist, and all our conversations about his racism went right back to "My friends are okay with me saying the -a word, and the other version is okay in jokes." i worked SO HARD to get the hell away permanently. but i did do it because he abused me. so that's still OK for a future psychiatrist. 

dee, you were so lovely and so close to me, i could feel so protected, and dee was saying that i live in trauma because i was processing his...was it rape? sodomy? molestation?...of me and the more he insinuated and asked whether it was my issue the more i fell apart. but not in my whole life. because you were there. in my life. being cédric. so i was processing his abuse of me and he said it was me existing in trauma. it was gaslighting.

you...no, you can't be a narcissist. no, i don't believe it for a second. you gaslit me. i know. but my therapist says you were sophisticated about it. more elusive. the more i tell him the more he knows you collected data and then used tactics on me that dee never could have.

now i can't even be what i want to be because i can't unsee what i want to see, and even with musclebound chris last year i shut it down. fast. i gave myself time limits.

but i am limping

unlaced

and i want your hand on my heart saying

it isn't true

but i see the gas

i smell

the flames