bahie.
but i think i'm going to show you.
and the world can see it, because that's how toxic
how disgusting
what shit
you ground into me.
such utter disrespect
and i wanted you to be free. but you indicted me and wanted to leave me with my abduction
when i
have fought. and clawed. and found my way to a beautiful poet, you.
not to be smeared into something i am not.
not to be thrown into the deepest ocean and told i owe $62.37 for swimming lessons.
when i was fifteen a boy at school, jason kulchinsky, started calling me a harlot. sometimes a couple dozen times in a row.
i went to a residential high school; this was routine at dinnertime. "harlot harlot harlot harlot harlot."
i was only 15. i had never even been kissed.
he did this for at least two years. yes. two. he was a grade above me. so two.
turned out it was because he had a crush on me. it was cruel.
but maybe now i need it.
i'm trying to make things right with dee. i know i'm acting like a classic victim. i'm watching myself do it and my heart and brain are screaming, "stop! why are you letting him deny everything?"
but i am not capable of being with someone...and i can't even understand why you want me to be. i know i somehow destroyed my favorite friendship
he's 23 and wants a baby
says he has trauma like mine
that he gets flashbacks going down on women too soon
i told him if he ever has flashbacks i'll give him all the time
he needs
to get out (and no, i don't want this, i don't want him
i want to move to poland but you're too scared of me
for me to try)
because both of the men i love
yelled at me and said i had to be myself NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW
and made it so much worse and turned and walked away saying
my flashbacks meant i wasn't good enough
and left me bleeding
oh, a baby would keep me from anything
everything
keep you safe from me
he says it was all consensual
and he's so angry with me
but i see the same in you
you refuse to let me be me
you two cause me such searing pain and break my identity
and then tell me my identity isn't real
if i could just hide in this, in dee
i could be strong
all night.
how could you be my abuser
i have lost purchase
of my
of everything
i can't bear it
dee won't take me back
i could hide there
i can't stop throwing up
it's only been eight hours and Hinge is blowing up
i can't stomach the disgust
what if the issue was just
well, not so simple, but as simple as
holding each other's hands and trusting each other to really see, and hear, really listen
instead of with bated breath hoping we would guess what the other really meant, or which thing we really referred to?
i think i understand what you mean about
your feelings, when i thought i had addressed
your
feelings
and clearly
if this is what i'm seeing correctly
now that i'm not so scared, now that the flashbacks are calming down
now
that
i wonder if your gaslighting really was just fear, since i was too afraid to touch it and see you explode and burn me so i could never get over it and back to alive
then i see how unnecessarily we blew to smithereens
but your impatience with me was also part of the gaslighting--
--because gaslighting means
refusal to communicate and allow two people to meet
i'd roller skate over to your part of the equation and hug you
into eternity
